In the sixteenth century, England witnessed the dissolution of the monasteries, and in the 21st century – last night to be exact – the world witnessed the dissolution of my rear passenger window. There are those who would argue the two have so little in common that they do not merit mention in the same sentence, but both events, as far as I’m concerned, were monumental and worth careful study. Because everyone undoubtedly remembers the details of the dissolution of the monasteries from history class, I will spend my time relating the dissolution of my window, being the less widely known of the two.
Last night, the 12 of August, I went to my French class in Montrose as usual. I parked in the usual spot on the street, locked my car, and went into the building. Two hours later a classmate and I were walking back to our cars when I noticed several things had moved inside of mine. It is my experience that inanimate objects generally do not move on there own, which led me to observe the tiny beads of class strewn all over the car’s interior. Fortunately nothing was taken, but it is clear the culprit spent some time examining my things before abandoning the crime scene. It seems strange to me that a person would go though the trouble of breaking a back window just to climb to the front to take a gander at an old keychain, a garage door opener, and a pair of old sunglasses. Now that I have had some time to mull over these events and process the evidence, I have come up with several possible scenarios that could explain the strange actions of the window breaker.
(1) Realizing that it was in fact my car, the guilty party could not resist the opportunity to be close to things I’ve touched and were currently in my possession. After looking down both ends of the street, the person broke my back window, climbed in the car and held first my keychain, then the garage door opener, and finally my sunglasses – all of which were alluringly set on my center consol. Hearing someone approach, the person flung these items to the side and scrambled out of the car desperately trying to avoid the shame that would inevitably overwhelm him should he be caught. This scenario is nothing if not creepy, but its plausibility obligates me to list it here.
(2) I mentioned in my last post I moved out of the house in College Station. There are four boxes still in my car waiting to be placed in storage where they will remain indefinitely. Three of these boxes are in my trunk while the fourth is in the back seat and is filled with mostly cups and saucers. It is clearly labeled as such. The culprit may have invited one too many stuffed animals to his tea party, and realized he did not have nearly enough cups and saucers to accommodate them. Seeing my clearly labeled box and being in a desperate state (because his guests were arriving at any minute), he broke my window to get at the tea set. While struggling to get the rather large box out of the window, the soon-to-be host saw a modest collection of board games sitting on the floor. Realizing this would be a perfect addition to his tea party, he moved to take those as well. While in the process of gathering the games, he realized that stuffed animals’ lack of opposable thumbs made it impossible for them to grip the small game pieces – and the tiny handles on the tea cups for that matter – and thus rendered his efforts futile. He then fell into a state of despair, haunted by the realization that all his stuffed animal friends lacked opposable thumbs, and thus lacked the very elements of humanity.
(3) He and his friends were in the process of steeling my box of cups and saucers and my ridiculously fun board games (Clue and Apples to Apples), when they got a call from another friend saying they found a little kid they could steel candy from. This is clearly more enticing to the criminal mind than steeling a poor college student’s board games, so they left hastily to intercept the poor child with candy filled pockets.
We may never know how things actually played out that night, but what we do know is as a result of these events, I am now driving around Houston with a white trash bag taped to my car. I’m just glad he didn’t take Clue; it’s one of my favorites.
Picture 1: The usual suspects, found at the scene of the crime yet again.
Picture 2: View from opposite end of the car, clearly the guilty party has no respect for Apples to Apples, it was thrown across the car.
Picture 3: Yes, I made a note on the trash bag for all future potential thieves.
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